The long truth.

This one is going to be painfully honest.    

I have been unhappy with my body for several years.   I know that I am not alone here; so many women face this issue.  It's something we regularly discuss with our closest friends, our partners, our mothers and sisters.   When someone compliments us on our appearance, we combat the niceness with statements pointing out what is wrong with us instead.   We listen to celebrity endorsements and stare at airbrushed magazine covers that tell us WE can have those rock-hard abs in just 5 minutes a day.  We hear models swear that "they don't diet" and although we are all too intelligent to actually believe it, we still do.  

Growing up, I never worried about diet and exercise.  I have ALWAYS been a terrible eater.  I hate fruits/veggies and I love all things bread and sugar.  I have never been athletic, and have spent most of my life thinking of "working out" as a form of punishment.   I was naturally thin all the way through my early 20s and didn't start thinking about how my lifestyle affected my waistline until about 7 years ago, when it actually started affecting my waistline.  

Seven years ago, I was a senior in college and dating someone who was extremely health-conscious.  He was also very blunt, and pointed out to me that I needed to take better care of myself.  (It wasn't as mean as it sounds, I swear...)  I was starting to feel sluggish and was noticing that clothes weren't fitting me like they'd used to.   I complained about it, and he offered the most sensible solution:  do something about it.  This began years of working out/giving up/dieting/binge eating.  I'd get on a health kick and then quickly give up.  My weight would yo-yo. So would my self-worth and my confidence.   Before you think "but your self-worth has nothing to do with your appearance...." just hear me out:  not succeeding, not reaching a goal and giving up is what bothered me more than anything.  Of course, I wanted to like the way I looked, but more than that I wanted to feel like I could DO anything.  And these years of being a habitual quitter proved that I couldn't.

I will admit that I am blessed with a little height and a large frame, which means I hide and that 'on-again, off-again' extra weight pretty well.  While this is sometimes a great attribute, it can also be a curse- often people don't believe me when I express the desire/need to lose.  (Inner voice is saying:  "So?  Why is it anyone else's business, anyhow?")  But it is.  I seek confirmation.  I seek sympathy.   I seek understanding- and while people think it is kind to say "No, you look great!" and "There's NO WAY you weight that much!" it really doesn't help.  It causes me to second-guess what I know my body needs, and it causes me to think, even momentarily, that I can get by with keeping those extra pounds.  I'm not shunning anyone for being polite- I'm just as guilty.  That's just the way it is.

When I met my husband, I was at my all-time heaviest.   During our first year of dating we became engaged, had some emergency plumbing work done on my house, bought a new house, moved and planned a wedding. Throw in that it was also the most stressful time of year for my job and it's easy to see that diet and exercise were not at the top of my priority list.  I made mediocre attempts to work out, but I wasn't really paying attention to my lifestyle.  My all-time heaviest weight began to get higher and higher on the scale, before I found myself- on my wedding day, no less- just 14 pounds shy of hitting 200lbs.   I cringe at my wedding photos, because I see that weight I was carrying and it makes me sad.  From day one of our courtship, Neil has never gone a day without telling me how beautiful he thinks I am.  The weight didn't matter to him, and I love him for that.  

After the wedding I became a little more focused on my health, and lost 25 pounds by our first anniversary.  To be 100% honest, this weight loss all came within about 4 months time, and I did it by watching my portions.  I stopped keeping sweets in the house.  I began counting calories like a crazy woman, and eventually the weight fell off.  It was almost too easy.  I kept if off through the holidays and was back into jeans that I hadn't worn in 5 years.  I still wasn't exercising, but I was only 5 pounds away from my college-weight.... and then life happened.  I hit the heavy-travel season for work.  I quit watching my portions.  I started baking again.  Since January, I have put back on about 15 of those 25 pounds that I lost.  All of the new pants that I had bought myself started getting snug.  It seemed like I was right back into my on-again, off-again cycle.

Then, on the afternoon of August 11, something in me just snapped.  I was just home from a work trip and spending the day unpacking, doing laundry and cleaning around the house.  And it just hit me:  I wanted to be strong.  I wanted to be fit and healthy, and I wanted to be proud of myself.  So, I dug out and dusted off my sneakers, updated the "Couch to 5K" app that had been dormant on my iPod for way too long, threw on a sports bra and went outside.  I got through that first day and decided I was going to do it again the next day. I text my friend Marianne, who has turned herself into quite the runner over the last few years, and told her what I had just done.  I needed encouragement from someone who has been  "at the beginning" before.   I also needed someone that would keep me accountable.  Since Monday the 11th, I have stuck with it.  I sprained my knee, but kept going as much as I could.  When I struggled with a particular week of the program, I just kept at it rather than giving up (I am still on that same "week"- but I intend to push on to the next one this week.)  I am in the middle of a 30-day workout challenge and plan to do another one once this one is complete.  I am back to using weight resistance training.  I WANT to work out everyday.  I feel the need to do something active every.single.day.   If I don't get to run/workout before work I do it once I come home from a long day.  I don't make excuses, because I want it.  This is new to me.  This is huge.  This is the change I have been craving over the last 7 years.  

I haven't seen the scale change much over the past three weeks.  (Did I mention I weigh myself every day?  It's probably very unhealthy, but it's just a part of my morning routine.  Has been since I was in jr. high.  Even in the days when I didn't obsess/worry about weight, I still checked in with my scale every morning.)

It's okay that the scale hasn't changed drastically yet, because everything else has.  My clothes are already fitting a little bit better.  My muscles are blissfully sore.  My body is craving water and protein.  I am reaching goals and pushing myself just a little further everyday.   I'm not going fast, and I'm only doing intervals at this point.  But I'm doing them.  

All of that is so much better than just feeling hungry and seeing the number on the scale drop. 

I'm being candid and public and probably annoying with all of this running/exercise stuff because I want to record it.  I want to be able to look back at when it was new and I want every milestone noted.  I also want to prove to anyone who is doubting herself that if CAN be done.  If I can change my lifestyle, anyone can.  

Ok, I'm done.  I will do my best to keep these running posts to a minimum from here on out... maybe.  ;)

Do you have a "get-healthy" story?   Have you been here?  Or are you here now?  Share with me!

xoxo

A few things from the past week...

Last Sunday, I hosted a baby shower for a sweet couple at our church.  C & L are expecting their first baby- a boy!- in early October, and I was honored to get to help put together a party to celebrate their new arrival!

The family owns a ranch and an outfitting company, so Baby Boy is already destined to be an outdoorsy, country boy!  (Isn't that the best kind?)

We kept a "cowboy/western" theme for the shower, and had a great time.  It was a little more stressful that I had anticipated, but it was worth it all to be able to honor this new family!

My 5K training has taken a detour - it seems that sore knee what was bothering me has been more of a (literal) pain than I anticipated and I've been doing my best to let it heal.   This means no running- which completely derails my training schedule.  I've traded running outside for time on an elliptical machine, which I know isn't the same at all.  I'm hoping that my time on the elliptical and time spent doing low-impact leg routines will keep my momentum up until I can actually hit the pavement again.  I have to admit, the fact that I didn't just 'give up' when this little injury occured is an accomplishment in itself!

I heard this cover of Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You" today, and I fell in love.  I have loved this song forever, and tend to be a fan of anything Ben Harper does, so it was just the perfect combination!  

Random fact about me:  I LOVE cover songs.  Especially when they have a nice twist to them or are in a completely different style than the original.

I also fell in love with this kid this week:

What a vocabulary!  

This reaction just made me laugh over and over again.  I really wish I could remember the moment when I found out I was going to be a big sister... I was seven and had been perfectly happy as the only child, so I'm sure I wasn't too thrilled with the news, either.  ;)

Have a wonderful three-day weekend!  I know I'm going to! 

xoxo

Time to relax...

I often believe the universe just KNOWS when we need a break...  and then blessedly drops a three-day weekend in our laps.  Is everyone else as ready for Labor Day weekend as I am?

We don't really have big plans for our little holiday break... which is exactly what I was needing.   Due to my inability to say "no" to anything, my weekend schedule seems to fill up faster than my workdays, which leaves no time for "down" time.  I try not to complain, because I love staying busy and being involved in my church and community, but sometimes I just need a break.  

Our September is already completely booked- we'll be out of town for my best friend's anniversary party, then headed to DC for an exciting event (more on this later),  and then Neil and I are taking turns attending the Walk To Emmaus, a church retreat.  He attends one weekend, and then I attend another.

With all of that coming up, this three-day weekend is EXACTLY what I need.

From Friday at 5pm until Tuesday at 5am, I plan to wear nothing but either my bathing suit or my pajamas, and intend to keep my face makeup free (all with the exception of Sunday morning for church, that is...).  

My mom is keeping my twin cousins for the weekend- they are ten and full of energy and wonderful- and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with them, hearing all about how life in the 5th grade is treating them so far.  I also hope to do some reading (I am just beginning The 5 Love Languages), some napping, some baking and some meditating.

I intend to breathe it in and enjoy.

I hope the very same for you!

xoxo

Smack in the middle of week three... with ice on my knee.

I have never been good at the "training/practice" aspect of anything- if I can't pick something up fairly quickly, I give up (which is probably a big reason why I was never an athlete... well, that and my actual lack of athletic ability). 

On Monday, August 11, I started a running program (the ever-popular 'Couch to 5K').   A big part of me is ashamed to admit how difficult some of this has been for me.   In the past 2 weeks, there have been days that doing this run/walk interval training has been brutal, and my mind starts deciding there is NO way I can ever be a "runner."  Then, I push through and finish.  It isn't pretty, but each day I am finishing the assigned intervals and I continue to wake up and do it all over again.  Thanks to some encouragement from friends, including this quote from my running hero Marianne,  I am finding all of the sweat, soreness, breathlessness and struggle worth it.   

I am in the process of learning "not to push it." Rather than just do the suggested three-days-a-week, I've been working out 5 to 6 days a week.  Because of this, I've already had a very minor injury.  I wanted to get through this 9 week program in 7-8 weeks so that I would have a couple of extra weeks to make sure I was ready for this 5K in mid-October.  The thought of showing up to run a 5K and not succeeding is such a miserable one for me.   Couple my lack of will to practice with the fact that I have a hard time accepting that anything is out of my reach, and you can see why being put through a program is tough for me.  Despite this, the icebag on me knee is teaching me that I have to have patience, and that I have to build.  I have to train.  I have to work at it rather than rush to it.

It's a process, both mentally and physically.  But I'm proudly getting through it, one grueling run/walk session at a time. 

I'm running.

I've been hesitant to write this post, because I have been afraid of jinxing myself - or, as it really should be called, "giving up."  BUT, after completing 6 days of training in just over a week, I'm ready to come completely clean with this:

I am becoming a runner.

I have always been envious of people who run for fun.  I've also always been a little baffled by them. . . but more than anything I've been jealous.   I've always wanted to understand what this high was that runners always speak of- and I certainly have been jealous of the strength and svelte, lean bodies that most runners have (earn).   However, as it is with most things fitness, my want/willpower was not as strong as my desire to just be lazy.

It's been no secret that I've battled with weight over the past two years.  I recently lost about 25 pounds through extreme portion control dieting, and have been watching it slowly creep back onto the scale over the last month or so.  Last Monday, as I was doing laundry and realizing that all of my new "skinny" clothes were starting to get snug, I realized I'd had enough.  I can't keep doing what I've been doing and expect to stay fit.
So, I put on my running shoes, and I went outside.

I had no idea where to start, so I updated the "Couch to 5K" app onto my ipod and just started with day one.  This isn't the first time I've attempted this program- but this is the first time I've really WANTED it.
To keep myself accountable, I text my friend Marianne (who has transformed herself into an AMAZING athlete over the last few years) as soon as my first workout was over.   I was with Marianne when she ran her first 5K years ago (I walked it, obviously) and she is planning to be with me for my first 5K in October.
I've also posted a bit on social media, and the encouragement I've received from my friends is overwhelming- and helping to hold me to this goal.

So, there it is.  I have just completed week 2 of this Couch to 5K program, and each day gets a little easier. I'm also really just enjoying the running.  I run in the mornings, and get to see the sunrise each time.   There is something so calming about being out in the middle of nowhere (aka, my house) and up with the sun before the rest of the world gets going.  I've loaded my iPod full of playlists so I won't hear the same song twice in this 9 week training program, which keeps it fun for me.   I sometimes feel a little silly for being so proud of myself- I mean, I am only through week 2 - but for the first time in a very long time I am doing something just for me. I am working toward a goal and taking the time out of a busy, hectic life to achieve it.  It feels really good.
Even if my knees and shins don't always agree...

If you're a runner, I want to know:  How did you get started?  When did you notice a physical change?   What has running done for you, both physically and mentally?  When did you recognize yourself as a "runner?" What are some of your favorite songs to run to?   I welcome all thoughts, advice, suggestions, etc.  Please share in the comments below!