Monday, February 10, 2014

I'm bad at this.

This may be unconventional, but I'm going to start this new blog-venture with one damning statement:
I am bad at blogging.
I say this for one main reason:  I had a blog for about 6 years, and my readership was never above 50 people.

Truth be told, I never started blogging to get readers.  I wanted an outlet, and I missed writing, so blogging seemed to be the perfect fit.   A girlfriend had started blogging and was finding her niche in this crazy world, so I followed suit.
...Only I never really found my niche.  I found some great new friends- one of whom is like a sister to me now- and even reconnected with some old friends- but I never seemed to "get the hang of it."  And the harder I tried, the more awkward it all felt.  As I'd said, I never started blogging to get readers/followers/fans, but as I watched the followers grow for my girlfriends, I felt a little out of the loop.  It was almost like a clique, and while my friends never made me feel less-than-adequate, the numbers spoke for themselves.  Part of it was my fault-  I always chose to keep my blog semi-private and never shared it with many people I knew "in real-life."  It was important to me to be able to write candidly, and I struggled with the privacy issue often.   I wanted to stay private, but I also wanted to be heard.

Several times I tried to "fix" this.  I'd change my voice.  I'd write more like another, more popular blogger.  I'd participate in "link up" blogs.  I'd force myself to post on days that I really had nothing valuable to say. . . and in the end, I remained in this blogging rut- only each time I tried something "new," I felt more and more disappointment.   Perhaps the biggest disappointment I felt was with myself, because I found myself often measuring the beauty or importance of a post by how many comments were made (or the lack there-of.)  The harder I tried to write something "comment-inducing," the less people would respond.  It was a vicious cycle, and one that I never wanted to get wrapped up in in the first place.  I was no longer writing a blog post because I "wanted" to, or because I felt moved to- I was posting to get feedback.  Eventually, I just stopped.

Recently, my dear friend (and perhaps the BEST thing to come into my life through blogging) and I were talking about how we had been neglecting our blogs lately.  We laughed at how narcissistic and ego-centric the blogging world can be.  We agreed that social media has taken away a large reason for blogging- what we once used as an outlet to update our friends across the country (world, even!) about what we did that weekend can now be done immediately through instagram.   Sure, I miss writing, and I miss reading other posts- but in a world of insta-everything, blogging had become something time-consuming and labor-intensive.  (Just reading this makes me ill.  How lazy have I become?)

Another reason I've found it hard to pick up blogging again is because most of the girls that I "blogged" with are no longer blogging, either.  Over those primitive blogging years, I gained a small network of blog-friends, and I always knew I could count on them to read my posts (and comment!)- but more importantly, I always knew I could log on and read THEIR posts.  Most of these girls no longer blog, and the thought of starting this over again (eeek!  Making new friends?!) seems a bit exhausting.  Again, how lazy do I sound?

I've wrestled with the want/need to get back to writing quite a bit lately.  I miss it.   I've gone back and forth with putting life back into my old blog, or starting over.  I've settled on doing a bit of both-  I can't bring myself to delete the old blog completely- there are so many memories living there.  The idea of starting over completely is insane.  So, I've made my old blog private in order to preserve those posts and have started fresh, here- with elements from the old blog.  (Who can come up with a completely new name, after all?!)

I have no idea what is in store for My Hippie Soul.  I don't know what shape it's going to take.  I can't promise I'll always have purpose.  I can't promise I will post daily.  I can't promise to always be entertaining, or thought-provoking, or silly, or happy, or sad.   I can promise, however, that I will always be honest.

xoxo,
-J.


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